I already said too much. I already shared too much, and I want all my secrets back. I hate getting close to people these days, I always regret sharing too much, caring too much, doing too much, feeling too much.anonymous (via verschluesselt)
You don’t think I notice, do you? The belittling things you say. Your know-it-all, judgemental, I’m-better-than-you remarks. You don’t think I hear about the things you say about me when I’m not around? And the way you use others for your convenience? Don’t even get me started on that. If I wasn’t a civil person I would say something to you, but I won’t. Not because I’m afraid, but because you aren’t worth it.
I would disappear in an instant if I could. Make a quiet exit from my quiet life without the blink of an eye from those closest to me. Because in the wee hours of the night I find myself desiring a silent release. Fantasies of darkness, and death have left me with little clarity. My mind has become intoxicated with depiration and numbness. These visions cloud the person I once was. And not feeling hurts much more than any pain I’ve felt in my short life.
Your love was no mystery.
It was a groggy, one eye shut,
Monday morning daydream,
A Tuesday’s mid-day
A humpday evening’s exhaustion,
A Thursday bedtime’s despiration
A Friday twilight’s drunken,
And fragmented interactions,
A Saturday morning’s throbbing,
Your love was no mystery.
It was a Sunday sunrise;
A painkiller to my daily disasters.
Do you know that feeling?
When you’re just waiting.
Waiting to get home, into your room,
close the door, fall into bed,
and just let everything out that you kept in all day.
That feeling of both relief and desperation.
Nothing is wrong.
But nothing is right either.
And you’re tired.
Tired of everything, tired of nothing.
And you just want someone to
be there and tell you it’s okay.
But no one’s going to be there.
And you know you have to be strong
for yourself, because no one can fix you.
But you’re tired of waiting.
Tired of having to be that one to fix yourself and everyone else.
Tired of being strong.
And just for once, you just want it to be easy.
To be simple. To be helped. To be saved.
But you know you won’t be.
But you’re still hoping.
And you’re still wishing.
And you’re still staying strong and fighting,
with tears in your eyes.
And that is what co-dependence does to people. This is exactly why I choose to be on my own.
How I live my life:
1. Express in emotions in ways that others aren’t needed.
2. Never share them with anyone. Ever.
3. Have 3 or 4 friends in order not to look like a loner to your family.
4. Be distant enough from your friends so that if you don’t talk to them for a few weeks they won’t notice or care.
5. Make sure it is implied that them bringing up your emotions is off limits.
6. Because trust isn’t reliable.
7. Humans aren’t reliable.
8. You aren’t reliable.